5 Ways She Needs to Feel Secure

Dear Future Wife

In order for a woman to take you seriously and really give you a chance, she needs to feel protected. This does not mean that you have to stand in front of a bullet or fight every man that either of you feels threatened by. She needs to feel secure mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. She needs to feel that when she steps out into the world that her man has her back. She needs to know that wherever she is weak, you make her strong. There is a look a woman gives you when she knows you can handle whatever may be ahead of the two of you. It is up to us men to step to the plate.

The way we were taught to dominate matures from being a quick-tempered boy to a thoughtful and calculated man.


A woman’s thoughts need to be safe in your response. This will be evident by your ability to listen and understand.  She needs to feel you are mentally connected and thoughtfully stimulated by her thinking. She will ask and wait for your response. She needs to know that you hear her and more importantly listen. Her thought process needs to be mirrored in that you reflect and project her thinking. The “are you thinking what I am thinking” will be displayed through your action. There will be disconnects and in those disconnects she needs to be able to trust that you understand why she is thinking differently. Do not call her crazy for thinking differently. You do not always have to agree, but understanding where she is coming from is admirable and desired.


There is a societal belief that men are more logical and women are more emotional. Regardless of the veracity of that belief, we [men] can NOT devalue what they are feeling. The same way we get attached to them emotionally when they are happy, we must connect to their emotions when they are not happy. An emotional moment is not always a major cause for concern. Hug her and let her know that it is okay. Patience may be needed for some during their special time of the month. We have to learn to embrace their changing emotions. I am not describing the unstable. If they are cycling through emotions consistently, then it may be too much for them to manage and impossible for you to manage. Do not make them feel “less-than” by attacking them emotionally.  If it is too much and you have or need to exit, do it with class.


When a man finds out a woman’s insecurities, he has two options. He can pray over them or prey on them. Can you take her hand and pray with and for her? Before you pick up the fork to eat, pick up her hand, and bless the food. Provide an example of what a spiritual man looks like and is. This does not mean be a preacher or extra religious. This is about having an evident relationship with God and incorporating her in your belief. Does she see and feel your prayers? She needs to know that before big decisions in your life are made that your time alone in prayer will influence and lead you. She needs to be able to trust that you trust God and exercise FAITH.


This is not about paying her bills or buying anything she wants. This is about being financially trustworthy and responsible. Can you manage your own money (checkbook, credit card and cash)? This is about financial maintenance. Income is not as important as management. Can you make the BEST option on a major financial decision? Can you say, “Hey, I know we have it but let’s exercise patience.” Can you say “let’s build our savings individually, so that when we decide to get married, we have a substantial amount in an account for an emergency.” What does your retirement look like? Can you help her get hers in order?  What does your debt look like? Can you provide resources for her to utilize to match yours?

When she makes more than you, are you secure enough? Can you still operate in a leadership role? Remember, you are not defined by your financial status. What if she has it all together and you don’t? Can she trust you to allow her to lead you and show you the way? There are many women who have learned to manage their money more than a man has. She needs to know that you are secure in your financial status or growth.  Can you clearly define your financial plan?


We have to be able to stand tall and make her feel safe. Do not confuse confidence with arrogance. We need to understand that our position in manhood is not defined by brawn. The way we were taught to dominate matures from being a quick-tempered boy to a thoughtful and calculated man. We need to understand the consequences of our actions. We have to focus on long-term. We need to be strong in walking away from a situation that is not conducive to safety. If you are in a situation where you are both physically challenged, responding physically is not always the way to protect her. At some point in your life, you learn walking away or apologizing without fault is protection. If your woman does not understand that, then she may not be the one for you. She should not be testing your childhood wrestling, boxing, MMA, or ninja skills at any time. At some point, you have to realize that you are too old to be putting up the dukes.

Protect her by walking on the outside. Putting on her coat. A firm embrace. A confident kiss. Holding her hand and exchanging energy. Watching you take a strong stance is a turn-on.

This originally appeared on Bashea’s blog, Bashea Williams.

Bashea Williams

Paul Bashea Williams, MSW, LGSW Paul is a dedicated father, licensed social worker, therapist, and writer. He specializes in therapeutic marital, family, and parent counseling. He writes about life, love, and fatherhood. His work has been featured on the Russ Parr Morning Show, a national syndicated radio show. His "Dear Future Wife" series will be released later this year. IG: BiboMiles

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