Finding Your Mr. Refined

You hear the common refrain all the time, “A good man is hard to find,” “It’s hard out here for us sisters,” or even the extreme comment of “All men are dogs.” I’m not here to dispute nor rebuff those comments. Rather, I’d like to change your lane and shape your mind around a topic that is similar at the surface, but miles apart when you get to the details. That topic is “Finding YOUR Mr. Refined.”

Mr. Refined In a Social Setting

Mr. Refined is not your typical guy in a metropolitan city. He most likely will say something to you in a club, but won’t blatantly “try to holla.” For example: you walk past Mr. Refined in the night club wearing a dress that walks the fine line of accentuating and exposing just enough, but not too much. The average joe will use the same tired lines about your sex appeal. Mr. Refined will compliment you yes, but he’ll also take the time out to compliment your ensemble because not only does he know how much time and effort it took you to put it together, he appreciates it.

Where to Meet Mr. Refined

Mr. Refined leans heavily on his network for things that are dearest to him (social events, career opportunities, and most importantly potential dates). When you find him at an event and ask him how he heard about it, his response will most likely be “I know the ” ____” or “my friend is part of the “_____”. His network consists of like-minded people. The friends in this network have more friends of their own from the same ilk. These friends of friends almost always include at least one attractive suitable mate. *This is where you realize you should’ve been more receptive to that house party invite ;-)*

Now that you know what a refined man will say to you when attracted to you and what circles to find him in, let’s discuss what keeps him after the first date.

In this instance yes, visual aids do keep us interested the same way it does the average joe. We are still men and we still like to be “abreast of a woman’s assets” just as any other man.

For example: meeting up with your refined man after work.

What he’s thinking: “I’m going to meet up with my lady after work so I have to make sure my line up (haircut) is on point and my shirt and tie is similar to the combination she complimented me on last time. I’ll also be sure to wear that scent she said she likes.”

What he hopes she’s thinking: “I’m meeting up with my Mr. Refined after work so I’ll opt for the outfit that is office appropriate when covered with a blazer, but reminds him why he chose me when I take it off. I’m happy he chose a place not too far from where I work so I can wear those heels he always compliments me on rather than my flats. I’ll also wear that scent he likes and his favorite color in my lingerie ….just in case :-)”

Lastly but most importantly, this tip to keeping your Mr. Refined interested has everything to do with the parts of a relationship that only come to light after the puppy love and honeymoon phase has ended.

I present to you two terms: intellect and ambition. Ladies, if your Mr. Refined is in his dream career, pursuing his creative outlet, or an entrepreneur; your ambitions should match or (dare I say) exceed his. Think of it this way, in essence, you will become the best friend of your Mr. Refined. Notice how his closest friends are like-minded (see topic 2). Even if pursuing separate careers, their ambition is fairly the same. We love when our closest friends challenge us, bounce great ideas off of us, and support us. These are what keeps our friendships lasting for years. The same can be said for our women. Ambitious, confident, and supportive. These are attributes that help you succeed in your career, but they are also secretly down right sexy to Mr. Refined. In this area, what separates Mr. Refined from Average Joe is that he is NOT put off nor intimidated by your success. He welcomes and supports it with the open arms of his bespoke suit.

So there you have it, a foray into the mind of Mr. Refined within the realm of dating and relationships. I tip my hat to you and wish you the best of luck.

Garvin Reid

Garvin Reid is an Assistant Director at the NYU School of Professional Studies Wasserman Center for Career Development. He also does independent career coaching workshops as well as one on one sessions. In addition to career development work, Garvin is also the co-founder of G.Reid New York which is a dapper wear clothing line specializing in bow ties and pocket squares. Follow him on Twitter or Instagram @ReidTweenDaLine

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