Put Wife First

A social media meme has sparked a debate. The meme shows four individuals and poses the question, “Who Comes First: Mother, Wife, Daughter, or Baby’s mother?” I thought to myself, “Why are we describing the mother of the child as a baby mother?” That is derogatory and demeaning. Let’s change the narrative and give respect to all parties involved. She is the mother of your child. I thought the decision for everyone was a no-brainer. Wife right? I found myself in many different debates explaining why I believe the wife is always first. I was astounded at the thought process and reasoning of why others chose other options as first. Here is my reasoning of why the wife is first.

MOTHER

We love our mothers and they are amazing. They birthed and nurtured us to the best of their abilities. They helped us grow into the men we are today. They are very knowledgeable and have played the role of wife, mother, and child at one time in their lives. As great as mom has been to us, she is not first, nor second, and sometimes will be a toss up between third and last. Our mothers are a reference, not the source. Their role decreases immensely once we become men. We can no longer lay on their laps or bosoms and depend on them to take care of us. We become men of our own house and start our own families. No matter how awesome our mothers are, we can no longer depend on them to save us. We are no longer the men of their homes, nor should we treat them as our spouses. Giving our mothers the power to lead us will hinder our relationships. This does not mean their advice is not valuable. It means we should absorb their knowledge and apply it appropriately ensuring it does not put us in a boy’s role.

We are men and the head of our new families with our wife!

MOTHER OF OUR CHILD

The mother of your child’s opinion on your marriage begins and ends with the child. They will not have an influence on decisions that do not impact the child directly. Do not let them influence your husband and wife relationship. It is up to the husband to control the relationship between mother, wife, and child’s mother. The husband must facilitate the relationship between the child and the child’s mother to make sure all parties are comfortable. We have a lot of responsibility because we created the environment, so we must manage it. We cannot allow the mother of our child to control the relationship between our mutual children and our wife. Manage it by establishing clear co-parenting boundaries! Our child does not have to accept our wife as her new mother, BUT she must respect her as an adult and as our WIFE!

CHILD

They are first before you get married. If you think you have always put your child first, think about the times you sought a babysitter or switched the schedule with your child’s mother to go out on a date with your wife, who was at the time your girlfriend. Got it?! I have read women say, “I would never expect a man to put me in front of his child.” That is good because it is not up to you, it is up to the man. As men, we need to balance the relationships and show our children how highly we respect and think of our wife. As a father, it is up to me to show my son how he should treasure his future wife. If I had a daughter, it would be up to me to provide an example of how she should be treated as a wife. This does not mean the child will be neglected. This shows order. Children will receive love and understand relationship transition. They invite additional love from others. It is up to us as men to marry a woman that we are confident enough to be an additional parent/extension of us. We cannot allow the child to cause a rift by splitting. We must be on one accord with our wife to show them that we are a team that is there to care for them. We have to teach them roles.

The children do not make decisions in your household!

WIFE

Happy wife, happy life! Thou shall not neglect the wife in any area. If you have read the other categories, they all show why and where we need to put our wives first. In single co-parenting, we need to have a partnership. When we get married, it will be our responsibility to lead and show our children an example of how a husband is supposed to love his wife and lead his family. Our wife should be secure in our relationships. She is the Queen of our household. Mothers and the mother of our children are relationships outside of our household. You and your wife are a united front. Decisions will be made together. Actions will be completed together. Love and respect will be exampled to everyone. Your relationship with your wife is the most important relationship to maintain. Your child will be fine! When you chose your wife, you considered the relationship she will have with your child and the role you would play in managing the relationship between your wife and the mother of your child. When you chose your wife, you considered how you would manage the relationship between your wife and your mother.

Keep home happy by keeping your Queen happy!

This originally appeared on Bashea’s blog, Bashea Williams.

Bashea Williams

Paul Bashea Williams, MSW, LGSW Paul is a dedicated father, licensed social worker, therapist, and writer. He specializes in therapeutic marital, family, and parent counseling. He writes about life, love, and fatherhood. His work has been featured on the Russ Parr Morning Show, a national syndicated radio show. His "Dear Future Wife" series will be released later this year. IG: BiboMiles

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